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13th June 2007, and all eyes were on Middleton Hall Golf Course, where the annual Adrian Flux Golf Day was taking place. Steve Rush sent us this report.

Invited guests and industry bigwigs travelled the length of the country to take part in this prestigious event and, along with the usual Flux suspects, the field was set.

This year there was one notable inclusion JOHN “PIEMAN” BRAY! With bacon rolls for breakfast, a buffet lunch and a 3 course banquet on offer, John decided that the game of golf was actually not that boring after all.

At 11.00am the golf got under way with the groups teeing off at 10 minute intervals. The sound of ball against tree and the splash of ball in lake could be heard regularly. Wayne Senter, whose house neighbours the course had wisely bordered up his windows, whilst the club shop had made record sales on golf balls. There were complaints against slow play by David Flux’s group, although, reportedly, the constant sound of an air rifle and the scattering of pigeons may have been the reason behind this.

The course was in excellent condition, although it did resemble Ashley Hewitt’s hair ‘style’ with the smooth fairways joining up with the thick rough. As the weather got hotter so did Dan “Screw” Driver who had turned up in a long sleeved black work shirt. After spending the first 3 holes looking for his ball in the trees, the bark had turned his shirt into green and black camouflage and he looked more like a soldier in combat than a golfer.

All the talk before hand was from Kev “Shandyman” Playford about how he’d won a big vase in a competition the week before. (What he seemingly didn’t say was that he’d won the vase in the flower arranging competition at the WI) After seeing KP’s poor tee shot at the 11th, Rushy ripped the piss! Kev’s reply was ‘watch this, it’s going straight in the hole’. The ball went 5 yards up the hill and rolled back to his feet. Chin up Kev!

On the same hole Phil Harpham thought he’d won the nearest the pin trophy but his effort fell 2 inches short, not for the first time he’s lacked a couple of inches.

Paul Twite surprised everyone by not playing this year, saying there was a lot to organise, but after reaching the half way stage we knew the real reason. Sunning himself on the refreshment stall with a scantily clad Heidi was a much better idea. (Rumours he’d been banned from playing due to adverse reflections from his bonce proved entirely unfounded)

Rob “Swampy” Balls wished he’d bought his calculator to add up his score (He needn’t have bothered, though – they don’t make them with that many digits.) John and Kev’s stand-up routine soon emptied the clubhouse.

For the 2nd year running, Carl Pickett was grouped with the only female player, Lisa. Lisa out-hit Carl on every shot and was clearly getting annoyed when Carl kept asking her to help find his balls in the trees.

Richard Harding turned up on his horse after winning the bandit award last year but this was promptly stolen by Gav ‘The Wisbechian’ Hill, who set out on the course with this and a 28 handicap.

The final group was the much anticipated ‘Battle of Flux’. The challenge between Adam ‘Tiger’ Hutchison and John ‘The Terminator’ Bray. They were joined by the oldest competitor, Geoff, and some other bloke who couldn’t play golf either. John had even had a couple of lessons because he was determined to beat Adam.

All 4 were on the range beforehand psyching each other out. It was not long before the sound of ball hitting the side wall could be heard with balls ricocheting left right and centre. When Adam managed to hit the wall behind him, the range quickly emptied with golfers fearing for their safety. Adam reverted to chipping practise after being barred from the range.

John was getting worried as he knew walking around the course would be the first form of exercise that he had done since middle school and he knew the excuse of verrucas wouldn’t work like it did in swimming lessons.

So when the buggy was hired for Geoff, John’s face lit up and he literally spent the whole afternoon driving it leaving 75 year old Geoff to walk. John played one shot which travelled all of 3 yards, most people would have stepped forward to play their next shot but not John, he got back in the buggy and drove 3 yards to his ball (lazy git). There were rumours that John played most of his shots whilst sitting in the buggy.

The day finished with a meal and presentation of the trophies at the Riverside restaurant. Steve “Crappy Gilmore” Day won some golf balls which was a result as he’d lost 14 during his round and everyone was amazed that John didn’t win the award for worst golfer. A fun day was had by all so thanks goes to John for providing the entertainment.

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