{"id":54388,"date":"2019-06-13T08:01:25","date_gmt":"2019-06-13T07:01:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.influx.co.uk\/?p=54388"},"modified":"2024-11-05T15:09:31","modified_gmt":"2024-11-05T15:09:31","slug":"the-rules","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.adrianflux.co.uk\/influx\/culture\/the-rules\/","title":{"rendered":"The Rules"},"content":{"rendered":"

We’ve come together to set out some guidelines – The Rules – that drivers really need to stick to.<\/strong><\/p>\n

They aren’t official nor legally-binding, they have nothing to do with our bosses nor parent company and (let’s be honest) they aren’t to be taken too seriously – but take them all on board and revise revise revise. Refer back to them like a learned scholar quotes Shakespeare or scenes from The Office, and be sure to direct anyone who inadvertently breaks one of The Rules back here so that they might learn.<\/p>\n

Teach others well. Educate them. Help them to know The Rules. There might be a test.<\/p>\n

You can try and argue against any of them, too, but we won’t listen, because –<\/strong><\/p>\n

These Are The Rules.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion on your car.<\/li>\n
  2. Rule #1 should not affect what you do to your own car. All the following rules, however, must apply.<\/li>\n
  3. No eyelashes on your headlights, ever.<\/li>\n
  4. The maximum number of exhaust exits permissible is equal to half the number of cylinders in your engine.<\/li>\n
  5. If you need to park an unusual, rare or exotic car and there\u2019s a similar one in the car park you should always park beside it regardless of how inconvenient that is for you, to show solidarity and camaraderie.<\/li>\n
  6. Don\u2019t pretend you own a car which is registered to your parents, employers or a lease company.<\/li>\n
  7. Don\u2019t hire a fancy car and pretend it\u2019s yours, either. We see through your Instagram lies.<\/li>\n
  8. If posting on social media, do not use generic \u2018like for like\u2019 hashtags to gain false kudos.<\/li>\n
  9. On cars which have two driven wheels, the tyres on those two wheels must match in terms of brand, model and tread depth.<\/li>\n
  10. In order to claim your car is \u2018built not bought\u2019 you must have cut\/created metal\/fibreglass\/etc, not simply assembled parts like Swedish furniture.<\/li>\n
  11. Show plates (note – this includes incorrectly-spaced plates) are not to be used on roads unless you like smelling your own feet.<\/li>\n
  12. When photographing a wheel the logo must be bolt upright.<\/li>\n
  13. Photographing or filming yourself with a mobile phone whilst you\u2019re driving immediately loses you all kudos earned.<\/li>\n
  14. You must possess more than one 10mm socket, so you have a spare when one falls into your engine bay.<\/li>\n
  15. Never overtake another car if it means they will need to brake to let you in.<\/li>\n
  16. Nod when professional car dealers tell you bullsh*t, don\u2019t correct them.<\/li>\n
  17. Furthermore, if someone is telling lies about the performance stats of their own car to non-car folk, you must correct them.<\/li>\n
  18. The \u2018estimated time of arrival\u2019 on a sat nav should always be beaten unless that means breaking a law.<\/li>\n
  19. Your passengers are your responsibility, don\u2019t put them in danger even if they pressure you into it.<\/li>\n
  20. Clocks in cars don\u2019t need to be changed when clocks change, they\u2019ll only need doing again half a year later.
    \n\"The<\/a><\/li>\n
  21. When a milestone distance is hit on your odometer, e.g. 100000, 55555 etc, you must watch that happen and tell any passengers so they know how lucky they are. If you photograph the event, then your speedo must show zero.<\/li>\n
  22. Give credit where it\u2019s due, if you\u2019re inspired to replicate a modification seen elsewhere, you must attribute all credit to the original source.<\/li>\n
  23. No comic sans. On anything. Not even ironically.<\/li>\n
  24. Whilst go karting with friends they are not friends – only competitors. As soon as the chequered flag waves they are friends once again and apologies should be exchanged immediately if necessary.<\/li>\n
  25. Horns are not to be used to express displeasure at a non-car-person\u2019s driving inadequacies, an eye roll and a tut will suffice.<\/li>\n
  26. Drinks holders should never contain an empty drink container, lest it be assumed you frequently need to urinate whilst in the car.<\/li>\n
  27. You must not admit you do not know what to do when you go to a scrapyard with a friend.<\/li>\n
  28. Driving gloves are only allowed when driving convertible European cars which have been built between 1950 and 1975.<\/li>\n
  29. Left hand drive cars add chic, not inconvenience – you are cooler for being non-conformist.<\/li>\n
  30. Be patient.<\/li>\n
  31. The ultimate skill is stopping a fuel pump precisely at the intended amount.<\/li>\n
  32. Passengers entering your vehicle wearing shorts or skirts must be pre-warned of any leather upholstery which has been grilled by the sun.<\/li>\n
  33. Revving engines at lights is tacky. If you must get a fast start, then set your revs at an optimal level and maintain that level until dumping the clutch. Drivers of automatics, please ignore this and please move on to The Rules #35.<\/li>\n
  34. Automatics are inferior to manuals and you must bow to drivers of manual vehicles when requested.<\/li>\n
  35. You must understand that Skoda jokes lost relevance in 1991.<\/li>\n
  36. You must know what a manual choke does in case you ever need to rescue someone on a cold day and the only car available is a 1970s Lancia.<\/li>\n
  37. Helmet colours must either be plain white, plain black, or your own individual design; not a mass-produced design.<\/li>\n
  38. Convertibles and cabriolets must not be left parked with the roof down unless the ambient temperature is in excess of 25\u00b0 Celsius.<\/li>\n
  39. Badges indicating a higher spec without other cosmetic changes such as larger exhausts make you look like you have \u2018I have large genitals\u2019 written on your face.<\/li>\n
  40. Don\u2019t ring anyone using Bluetooth if your windows are open and it\u2019s a built up area, or you\u2019ll look like a pretentious yuppy.\"The<\/a><\/li>\n
  41. You should be able to replicate the sound of a boxer-4, straight\/flat-6, V6, V8, V10 and V12 with your mouth.<\/li>\n
  42. You must be able to admit you cannot drive a Formula One car better than anyone currently in Formula One (unless you\u2019re an FIA Super Licence holder, then you can).<\/li>\n
  43. If you speak to a car lover then you are officially friends, regardless of any other likes, interests, views, experiences, backgrounds etc.<\/li>\n
  44. Bluetooth headsets are the reserve of lorry drivers (over 7.5t) only.<\/li>\n
  45. Nurburgring stickers which say \u2018never been\u2019 were witty for 17 seconds in 2011 and have not been witty again since then.<\/li>\n
  46. If you\u2019re fearful of \u2018door-dinkers\u2019 in car parks, park on the other side of the car park, do not straddle two bays or else you should expect all other cars to do the same and you\u2019ve gained nothing.<\/li>\n
  47. Large and dangly air fresheners \/ fluffy dice are only acceptable if you\u2019re over 55 and not aware there are rules.<\/li>\n
  48. Minimum requirements for \u2018show car\u2019 status is air ride and wheels.<\/li>\n
  49. In follow up to rule #48; you get extra scene points for rocking Rotiforms.<\/li>\n
  50. NEVER, under any circumstance, wear Nike and Adidas together at any scene car show.<\/li>\n
  51. To have a much better chance of winning an award for your car at a show, you should aim to have at least 10k followers on Instagram.<\/li>\n
  52. Upon entry to any scene car show, make sure you feather your throttle (rev your car lots) until told otherwise by show organisers.<\/li>\n
  53. Contrary to popular belief, drivers of Porsche 911s are legally permitted to drive at or below the prevailing speed limit.<\/li>\n
  54. Cars with yellow headlamp lenses are cooler than a shirtless Steve McQueen in Antarctica.<\/li>\n
  55. The Mazda MX-5 is NOT the greatest sports car ever made.<\/li>\n
  56. The driver of the car in front would really rather not be able to assess the condition of your teeth via their rear view mirror.<\/li>\n
  57. Be endlessly patient with learner drivers – you were one once, and you too almost certainly hesitated, stalled on hills, bunny-hopped or drove really<\/em> slowly round bends you\u2019d now take at 60mph.<\/li>\n
  58. Debadging your car is a surefire way of making everyone assume you could only afford the base model, even if it isn\u2019t.<\/li>\n
  59. You must always carry sick bags when travelling in a car with children, or dogs (though not necessarily for sick\u2026).<\/li>\n
  60. Never succumb to road rage, whatever the provocation; it can land you in a lot of trouble. Content yourself with knowing you\u2019re a better driver, and a better person.
    \n    \"The<\/a><\/li>\n
  61. If you must put an England flag on your car during a World Cup, and you really shouldn\u2019t, it must be removed within one hour of the team\u2019s inevitable elimination.<\/li>\n
  62. The amount of fun you can have driving a car is inversely proportional to how much power it has and how much it cost to buy.<\/li>\n
  63. Related to The Rules #62, above: No, the Toyota GT86 does NOT need any more power. You\u2019ve just become too lazy from driving turbo engines\u2026<\/li>\n
  64. Related to The Rules #62, above: Don\u2019t sit behind a Micra, Yaris, or similar and complain about how slow they\u2019re going. They might be going flat out, and will be having more fun than you doing so.<\/li>\n
  65. Large stickers and graphics on doors are unacceptable. Unless your car is a 1980s German car, in which case they are mandatory.<\/li>\n
  66. Steel wheels are usually lighter and more sturdy than alloys so don\u2019t bother spending big on a set of split-rims.<\/li>\n
  67. Beaded seat covers should never be seen unless you genuinely have a back problem.<\/li>\n
  68. When going for a drive out to the coast, you must sit or lean next to your parked pride and joy all day and pretend you\u2019re only eating your sandwiches next to it because you hate sand in your shoes.<\/li>\n
  69. You must always drive conservatively and politely when your parents are in the car with you. And pretend that\u2019s how you always drive.<\/li>\n
  70. It\u2019s the law that you wear a baseball cap if your car has custom-fitted lowered seats and suspension.<\/li>\n
  71. If you own a modified Japanese car on big wheels and chassis-scraping lowered suspension, you have to start vaping. This is a law and is non-negotiable.<\/li>\n
  72. Any incoming comments or \u2018helpful\u2019 advice on your driving aren\u2019t valid – but any comments you give on anyone else\u2019s driving are.<\/li>\n
  73. You don\u2019t need an SUV.<\/li>\n
  74. No, you really DON\u2019T need an SUV.<\/li>\n
  75. If you still own and drive a large SUV simply to chauffeur one child to school over a distance easily walked, you will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. Decrease your car size or increase the number of occupants and you may be spared.<\/li>\n
  76. Predicted fuel range should always be beaten.<\/li>\n
  77. If you have the decency to pass horses wide and slow, afford the same courtesy to cyclists. They’re faster moving, smaller and the pause to overtake will realistically only delay you by a few seconds.<\/li>\n
  78. Do not sneer at someone driving a nicer car than you. Appreciate the car for what it is.<\/li>\n
  79. If you choose to drive in the snow but you do not understand gears, brakes or powerslides, you will be given a compass, a torch and 12 hours to walk home from whichever tiny incline you’ve blocked for everyone else.<\/li>\n
  80. If it is slightly windy or autumnal outside, you\u2019re allowed to stay home from work because of “leaves on the road”.
    \n    \"leaves<\/a><\/li>\n
  81. You are not a motoring enthusiast until you’ve played (and lost) fuel light bingo.<\/li>\n
  82. If there\u2019s a \u2018TDI\u2019 badge on the rear of your car, you must ignore speed limits and drive at 100mph at all times. Also, never repair panel damage to your vehicle.<\/li>\n
  83. Please refrain from telling us about your \u2018little drifts\u2019 you did coming off of roundabouts on the way to work. Not only did it not happen, but these are public roads. Take it to a track.<\/li>\n
  84. If you\u2019re going to push your vegan lifestyle upon us, kindly remove the leather seating from your company car (probably a German executive saloon).<\/li>\n
  85. Respect nature. Do your absolute best to avoid hurting animals that have wandered onto roads.<\/li>\n
  86. When we finally rise to power, drivers camping in the middle lanes of motorways will receive death sentences. Don\u2019t call your lawyer, there won\u2019t even be trials.<\/li>\n
  87. MPG > BHP.<\/li>\n
  88. Being able to stop quickly is more important than being able to go quickly.<\/li>\n
  89. No \u2018Powered by Fairy Dust\u2019 stickers allowed. At any point. Ever.<\/li>\n
  90. Do not park your car in an electric car charging bay if it is refuelled with the liquid stuff. Internal Combustion Engined (ICE) cars in EV bays are NOT cool.<\/li>\n
  91. There\u2019s no all-mighty power compelling you to modify your car. It\u2019s OK to leave it stock.<\/li>\n
  92. Look after your bodywork – If you don\u2019t want to clean your car yourself, get someone else to do it.<\/li>\n
  93. The rules of the road still apply in car parks, which means you must indicate – otherwise someone has every right to swoop in and steal the space you had your eye on.<\/li>\n
  94. Nobody cares about your stick-figure family. Nobody. Not even your real family. If indeed you actually have one other than the stick figure one.<\/li>\n
  95. Stretched tyres are stupid. Stop it.<\/li>\n
  96. Pumpin\u2019 bass riddims, brah, are only allowed if your stereo can handle them and deliver them without distortion. Nobody likes to hear The Prodigy sounding like they\u2019re doing a gig in a cheese grater.<\/li>\n
  97. Mid-size executive car drivers who work in construction \u2013 put your hi-viz jacket in the boot. You\u2019re fooling nobody. We just think you\u2019re a plum, not the police. Plus, the police can afford better cars than an E90 318d.<\/li>\n
  98. You are not an influencer unless you have influenced somebody to actually buy a car purely based on your unsponsored opinion of that car.<\/li>\n
  99. Speed does not equal driving skill. Pushing a throttle pedal down further than you should does not make you good at driving. Anybody can do that.<\/li>\n
  100. You must not moan about traffic if you are part of it.
    \n    \"The<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Thank you for taking time to learn The Rules – <\/strong><\/p>\n

    As proclaimed by (in alphabetical order)<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Damien Cross<\/p>\n

    Danni Bagnall<\/p>\n

    David Milloy<\/p>\n

    Jess Shanahan<\/p>\n

    Jonny Edge<\/p>\n

    Matt Ware<\/p>\n

    Neil Briscoe<\/p>\n

    Neil Star<\/p>\n

    Richard Gooding<\/p>\n

    Ross Ringham<\/p>\n

    & Tim Barnes-Clay<\/p>\n

    _<\/p>\n

    The Rules MMXIX<\/strong><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    We’ve come together to set out some guidelines – The Rules – that drivers really need to stick to. They aren’t official nor legally-binding, they have nothing to do with our bosses nor parent company and (let’s be honest) they aren’t to be taken too seriously – but take them all on board and revise<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":51909,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1781],"tags":[1972,957],"class_list":["post-54388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","tag-culture","tag-driving"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Rules - Influx - a definitive tongue-in-cheek set of guidelines for drivers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"At Influx we've come together to set The Rules. 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